Healthy Friendships
Knowing and interacting with lots of people, in person and online, gives the appearance that we’re very connected. Yet most of us do not derive the meaning and fulfillment that we long for from these relationships. Our Western culture today facilitates having one-dimensional, limited connections with multiple people and no longer emphasizes the importance of true belonging. (See my blog posts from January 4 and January 31, 2024.)
Most of us would say that we have at least a few close friends. Some people I know claim to have hundreds of friends. These friendships may be fulfilling or draining, a source of inspiration or one more obligation. They may be occasional, group-dependent, or geographically remote. Some friendships are situation-based or claimed after a single meeting at a social function. And many people I talk to say they are dissatisfied with their friendships in various ways.
Perhaps we would benefit from defining “friendship” clearly! Oxford English Dictionary online defines Friend:
“A person with whom one has developed a close and informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy; (more generally) a close acquaintance.”
Mutual trust and intimacy are the key words here. Mutual - both parties contribute to and experience the trust and intimacy. Trust – a feeling that the other has our best interests at heart and will do their best to support us, and having confidence in their honesty and reliability. Intimacy – a willingness to share very personal thoughts and feelings, to be vulnerable and affectionate with each other.
This definition describes what I would call a close friend, or what author Shasta Nelson calls a Committed Friend. We probably have only a handful of these; Dr. Vivek Murthy points out in his book Together that “inner-circle relationships” require significant amounts of time and energy to maintain and are therefore limited to a maximum of fifteen, including our partner and family.
Other types of relationships are important for our well-being, too. We need casual friends, acquaintances, and community in addition to close friends in order to maximize our sense of connection. But those few intimate relationships are the ones that offer the most richness and potential, and they are the ones many of us feel are lacking.
Intimate, close relationships provide the greatest opportunity for personal growth as well, because they tend to challenge us the most. They inevitably expose our hidden wounds, unmet needs, and shadow side. We disappoint each other and create conflict; this is especially painful since we are so emotionally invested in the relationship. If we can remain committed and courageously face these difficulties, we have a chance to deepen our self-awareness and the relationship.
What qualities can we develop to help create healthy, resilient, close friendships?
· Commitment and Mutual Desire – since we only have energy for a select number of close relationships, choose carefully with whom you want to allocate it. Ideally both parties are willing and able to dedicate time and attention to the friendship. Inner-circle relationships will only grow to their full potential when we make the effort to consistently and frequently spend quality time together.
· Honesty and Vulnerability – As the friendship develops over time, we will deepen our connection when both parties are willing to gradually share more personal information. Our inner thoughts, feelings, and beliefs reveal who we really are and require that we venture a little outside our comfort zone.
· Respect and Acceptance – It’s highly unlikely that we will agree with every one of our friend’s opinions and ideas, and that’s okay. As a friend, we can respect their beliefs without sharing them ourselves. And we will give them a great gift when we withhold judgment, do not try to change them or their thoughts, and accept them just as they are.
· Positivity and Generosity – Friendships flourish when both parties feel fulfilled and uplifted after being together. Deliberately contributing to positive emotions by encouraging, appreciating, celebrating, and otherwise bringing joy and fun to your interactions ensures you’ll both want to continue the friendship. This creates a buffer for the occasional times when you need to lean on them for help or share very difficult emotions. No one wants to be around someone who is chronically needy, complaining or always in victim mode.
The above is my “must-have” list of requirements for growing a healthy friendship. Together they lead to deepening trust and a very strong bond. You can probably add more of your own required qualities – please share them with me!
I’m glad you care enough about friendships to read this far. I believe that healthy relationships are one of our strongest assets in many ways, and that we can learn to be really good at contributing to them. Remember that close, meaningful relationships take time to grow and not all attempts you make will be reciprocated at first. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you! We all find our tribe eventually, I believe, if we persist with openness and discernment.
In future posts I plan to describe some specific, practical strategies you can use to deepen your friendships. And for more great information I suggest the website and books by Shasta Nelson, founder of GirlFriendCircles.
Photo by Dario Valenzuela on Unsplash
Comments