Break the Argument Pattern

Many disagreements in close relationships occur because one person doesn’t like something the other person does or says and/or they want something to be different. For example, they feel unhappy when the other is frequently late, or doesn’t clean up after themselves, or speaks in a critical way, or has made a unilateral decision about something, or has an opposing idea about how to discipline the kids… You get the idea. This type of disagreement often creates a recurring pattern that takes various forms, including:

• The unhappy person “puts up with it” for a time and doesn’t express their preferences to the other until their resentment eventually explodes in anger and criticism. In this very emotional state they are unlikely to be respectful or to have empathy, and the other person will naturally become defensive and angry, too. Both may feel hurt and misunderstood, and the situation will continue. The relationship becomes increasingly tense and uncomfortable.

• The unhappy person may try to control the other’s behavior through manipulation, shaming, aggressive comments, or threats. This power dynamic is highly disrespectful, even if subtly used, and although it may produce the desired results by forcing the other to comply, the relationship is seriously harmed.

• The unhappy person may tell themselves that it really doesn’t matter that much and will keep quiet about their wishes because they want to avoid conflict or desperately want to prevent the other’s disapproval. They’re unable to express what they want, but this ultimately damages the relationship because they eventually become resentful and the other learns they can’t trust their partner to tell the truth about how they feel.

Do any of these patterns sound familiar to you? Most of us have no idea how to express ourselves with clarity, respect and confidence when we want something, even to our significant others and family members. Unfortunately, we have very few good role models for respectful disagreement today. (We can easily look to social media, politicians, and other public figures for examples of how NOT to do it!)

Employing the behaviors listed above and other destructive disagreement habits doesn’t happen because we’re bad or evil people. It happens due to a variety of psychological survival strategies that are mostly out of our awareness. They include strategies of victimhood, control, pleasing and avoidance and they develop in childhood to protect us from pain. In adulthood, however, they are counterproductive and harmful to us and the way we relate to other people.

When we’re able to become aware of our patterns and psychological strategies and to build our empathy skills, we discover there are much healthier ways to express ourselves. We can break out of destructive patterns and habits in our relationships – but it takes patience and practice! (To read more about expressing ourselves with respect, please also read my blog post from November 2024.)

There’s so much to learn about effective communication and constructive disagreements, including: common behaviors and psychological obstacles that block connection, expressing empathy, asking curious questions, the assertive communication style, listening for underlying feelings and needs, and lots more. And it’s never too late to learn them.

For now, I’d like to share a technique you can use for those situations described above, when you want to make a request of your partner/spouse/friend/family member to do something that would make your life easier or more enjoyable. It’s a deceptively simple formula called Whole Messages.

Whole Messages consist of 4 parts, statements that are made together one after the other, although they can be combined and rearranged to sound natural. They are:

1. Your observation – a fact relevant to the disagreement situation, stated in a neutral way without criticism, judgment, or blaming.

2. Your thoughts about it – your analysis, opinion, viewpoint

3. Your feelings – how you feel relevant to the situation, and perhaps why

4. Your request – what you’re asking the other person to do/change/etc.

   
   

Here are two examples:

“Jose told me you agreed that we’d go to his party this weekend.

I’m exhausted from all the recent obligations we’ve had, and I’d much rather spend a quiet weekend at home.

I feel frustrated that you didn’t ask my opinion first before committing to the party.

Will you please consult with me next time about our weekend plans?”

“You were 20 minutes late for our weekly lunch date three times last month.

I had to just sit there waiting for you, not knowing if you forgot or if something serious was delaying you.

I feel awkward and embarrassed when that happens and I think people are staring at me or feeling sorry for me.

I would like you to meet me at the scheduled time from now on. Will you commit to doing that?”

Whole Messages are far more likely to get the results you’re requesting than using language that blames, criticizes, exaggerates, demands, makes value judgments, and is focused on what the other person did. Whole Messages are neutral, factual, and focused on the speaker and how the situation is affecting them. This minimizes the risk that the other person will become defensive, upset, or unwilling to consider your request. (They still might, but it won’t be due to your approach.)

Are you able to appreciate that when people in a relationship are able to speak this way to each other, their connection can become stronger, more meaningful, and more enjoyable? You can also try using Whole Messages with anyone, from co-workers and employers to the neighbor who mows his lawn very early on Sunday mornings, but it’s advisable to practice a bit first in more comfortable situations. And you might want to plan exactly what you want to communicate ahead of time.

I know I’m making healthy disagreement sound easy, but I realize it’s not. And it doesn’t come naturally to most of us. However, the rewards are well worth the effort. If you’d like to learn more about effective communication and many types of disagreement conversations, my new on-demand digital course is now available! It’s called Improve Relationships With Respectful Disagreement and is offered at reduced pricing for a limited time. Check it out with this link:  https://www.yourtruestorycoaching.com/rd-course-sales-page

Making requests using Whole Messages is more likely to produce the results you want

Image by Mircea Iancu from Pixabay