How to Disagree Respectfully

 November’s post is a continuation of the month’s theme of respectful disagreement. In the last newsletter I gave some points for consideration during a disagreement, and in this article, I’d like to expand on those by showing them in real-life scenarios.

First, a brief summary:

·      We each have unique viewpoints, opinions, and preferences that have been shaped by our experiences, cultural and family influences, and values. They are not “right” or “better” than someone else’s. And they are opinions, not facts - state them as such.

·      It’s normal to be triggered emotionally by disrespectful speech, and if we can’t get ourselves out of the reactive state in the moment, it’s okay to end the conversation. In fact, we should also be aware of our boundaries – behaviors we will not accept from others – and committed to enforce them.

·      When in a conversation in which you disagree, listen carefully to really hear what the other person is saying, rather than jumping to conclusions. Get curious and find out where their opinions are coming from and what are the underlying emotions – as humans we have shared fears, feelings of confusion and helplessness, etc. even when we disagree on the specifics. Try to have empathy for theirs.

The following are a few of my thoughts about three actual scenarios:

1)        My friend went to lunch with a few yoga classmates and became extremely uncomfortable when a person she barely knew launched into an unprovoked tirade about the US presidential candidate that my friend supports. She wanted to get up and leave but felt it would be rude to the others in the group so she endured it until it ended. She felt very upset about the incident for a long time afterward.

Possible responses my friend might have had:

“I’m not comfortable with this topic. Let’s talk about something else.” Or “I came to lunch with the intention of having a friendly conversation.”

If the person continued to make insulting declarations anyway, “I don’t allow people to be disrespectful of my feelings. If you continue, I’ll have to leave.”

If my friend felt calm enough and actually did want to have a respectful conversation about politics, she could say, “It sounds like you assume everyone at the table feels the same way you do.” Or “I disagree with you but I’m interested in learning more about your viewpoint on this. How did you come to feel this way about…?” Or “What are your biggest concerns about ___?” Ideally, she would also share her alternative viewpoints and invite others to as well - they would all potentially learn something new and at least get to know each other on a deeper level.

If the person is unable or unwilling to cooperate, she could suggest changing the subject and enforce her boundaries if necessary (e.g. leave.)

Possible behavior of the yoga classmate:

Perhaps this person is feeling extremely anxious about the upcoming election and has been influenced by the media they habitually see. They might assume the lunch group was a safe space to share their concerns. They could respectfully say, “I have a lot going on in my mind about the election. Would it be okay with everyone to talk about it now?” If everyone agrees, this person could tell how they’re feeling, separating facts from opinions with words such as “I believe…” or “My opinion on that is…” or “This is how it’s affected me and my family…”

They would also ideally ask others for their viewpoints, opinions, and feelings.

2)        X has an adult daughter who supports herself and her son very well. The daughter lives her life exactly the way she wants to – and it’s not at all the way X thinks she should live. X questions her daughter’s decisions and disapproves of things like her choice of partner, how she spends money, etc. Although her daughter gets upset, X sometimes can’t stop herself from criticizing her or her partner. The relationship is strained and uncomfortable.

Possible behavior of X:

She could try to accept that her daughter’s decisions are right for her and are not X’s concern – X is not responsible for her adult daughter or the consequences of her choices. X is entitled to her own negative judgments, but to express them without being explicitly asked is disrespectful and inappropriate.

(If her goal is to turn her daughter against her partner, X does not understand that her daughter is more likely to turn against her instead.)

She could say, “I know you feel hurt when I disapprove. I do it out of concern for you, but I realize that’s unfair. I’ll try not to do it again,” or “I care about our relationship and I want it to be better. Will you help me come up with some solutions for that?”

If she had insight into the deeper needs compelling her to make judgmental comments about her daughter’s partner and behavior, she could share them vulnerably. Perhaps her daughter would feel less defensive if it happens again, knowing that the comments are reflective of X’s internal state rather than about anyone else.

Possible behavior of the daughter:

She could try to remember that she doesn’t have to be influenced by the opinions or judgments of her mother – our instinctive childhood need for our parents’ approval no longer applies in adulthood, but that dynamic is so hard to change! (I know this first-hand…)

The daughter could calmly tell her mother how she feels when she hears the criticisms and negative comments, without blaming her mother for her own feelings, and then clearly stating her boundaries about what she will and will not accept from her mother’s speech or actions. She can enforce them if her mother won’t comply.

She could also try to have empathy for her mother and her deeper motivations for expressing her judgments – this would be far easier if they had an honest conversation about needs and feelings.

3)        Years ago, I lived with E. One common source of conflict for us (and it seems ridiculous in hindsight) was about the dishes. We took turns putting clean dishes away, and I could not abide having any smudges or fingerprints on anything in the kitchen. (That obsession is still true today, I confess.) After I discovered greasy fingerprints on glasses and silverware, I started asking him if his hands were clean before he emptied the dishwasher. It’s no surprise he took offense at my questioning him. My questioning became an unpleasant pattern in our relationship in other situations as well.

Possible behaviors for me:

I could have accepted that my standards for a clean kitchen are not the same as E’s and that it’s unreasonable to expect that they should be.

I could have realized it’s very disrespectful to treat an adult like a child as I did with my questioning and implications that he was “doing it wrong.”

I could have addressed the situation in an honest, straightforward way, such as in expressing observations, feelings, needs and requests (as in the Non-Violent Communication Process): “I noticed there are smudges on the dishes you put away. I feel upset when I see that because I prefer they look spotlessly clean. I think it’s because I need to see myself as a good housekeeper and hostess for dinner guests – it’s about my own self-image. I request that you wash your hands before putting away the dishes, or if you can’t do that, please help me come up with a solution that will be agreeable to both of us.”

Possible responses of E:

When I criticized him, he could have stayed calm and said, “When I hear you questioning me about the dishes, I feel sad and also angry. It reminds me of a mother speaking to a child. I need to know that you respect and care about me as an adult. I request that you express yourself about this in a mature way.”

If I had used the Non-Violent Communication language as described above, he might have felt empathy and understanding for how I felt and perhaps motivated to do as I asked without resentment. 

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You may have noticed that in the suggested alternative responses and behaviors, a degree of self-awareness, self-control, and self-disclosure is required, as is empathy. Most of us were not taught any of these skills as children and we rarely see them modeled by people around us. It’s up to us to learn and practice them as adults. It’s not easy – in fact, it might feel terrifying to contemplate saying some of the above things in a difficult situation – but it’s well worth the attempt. Relationships, and life in general, become easier and more joyful.

There’s also no guarantee that the person you’re in disagreement with will respond favorably to your attempts at being respectful. Relationships are complex and often very challenging, especially with those closest to us. If both parties can commit to trying some of these techniques, gradual improvement can be made even with deeply-entrenched disagreement patterns.

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My on-demand digital course about Respectful Disagreement should be available by the end of January 2025 – it will be a much deeper dive into effective communication strategies relevant to disagreement and conflict. Watch the newsletter for more information (and if you’re not already subscribed, do that at the bottom of this page.)

Thanks for reading this blog post! Please share it with others who might be interested. And if you’d like to learn more about Non-violent Communication, I recommend the book with that title written by Marshall B. Rosenberg. As always, I welcome your comments and insights.

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