Stop Fighting Difficult Feelings

How often do you experience negative feelings? Daily? Multiple times a day? The ones that feel “bad,” such as anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, stress, disappointment, envy, grief? There are so many versions and variations of mental suffering! How hard do you work to get rid of unwanted emotions?

For most of us, negative feelings are so uncomfortable that we try our hardest to stop feeling them as soon as possible. Our typical, pre-programmed response is to try to avoid the feelings or to solve the "problem" causing the feelings.

Avoidance behaviors include:

• Denying that something is wrong, minimizing problems and emotions

• Trying to block out negative feelings with excessive use of drugs, alcohol, work, exercise, gambling, other risky behaviors

• Distracting ourselves with social media, video games, reading, television, etc.

• Withdrawing and avoiding distressing people or situations

Problem-solving behaviors include:

• Obsessing over a situation, reviewing it over and over in your mind, thinking of every possible bad outcome, which creates more upset feelings

• Using the rational, intellectual mind to find a solution without acknowledging the negative feelings you’re experiencing

• Forcing yourself to work too hard or too long on fixing or changing a situation, to the point of additional stress and exhaustion

None of these behaviors help us manage feelings in the long run; instead, they eventually create more upset, disturbance, and difficulties for us. They also prevent us from building resilience, making good decisions, and acting from a clear, wise mindset.

Negative feelings are an inevitable part of the human experience, but much of the time we don’t know how to manage them in healthy ways.

What can we do instead when we experience negative feelings?

1. Allow the feelings to be there, remembering that ALL feelings are temporary. Our natural negativity bias makes us imagine we’ll feel bad forever, but that’s not true. In fact, if we patiently work with our feelings, they will generally move on quickly.  Also, negative feelings will not cause permanent harm to us in and of themselves but refusing to accept them can, if we remain “stuck” in them.

2. Approach the feelings with curiosity, exploring them nonjudgmentally to understand them more fully. It often helps to label them, “I feel sad, and also disappointed.” This allows you to see that feelings are separate, transient conditions and do not define you as a person. You might also notice body sensations related to the feelings - simply let them be there.

3. Know that negative feelings are almost always related to deeper psychological needs that are being threatened. For example, feeling outraged by a sarcastic comment made by a family member or colleague may have triggered you because it activated the primal human fear of not belonging. This can give you the wider perspective that your reaction is not really about what the person said, but rather about your hidden insecurity.

4. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and care, just as you would with a friend who’s hurting. It doesn’t help to judge yourself for feeling bad, for reacting negatively, or for having needs – all humans do it. It’s part of life, and it will come and go.

5. Call on your inner resources to facilitate the feelings moving through you. Remember times when you survived and even thrived in adversity, or when you felt terrible for a while and then felt great again. Tell a supportive friend or journal about what you’re experiencing, focusing on your feelings and responses rather than the “story” of what happened, with no blaming or criticizing.

6. Give yourself a break. Making yourself tough it out or forcing your way through the difficulty is counterproductive. Instead, support yourself with comforting activities like spending time in nature, inspirational reading and a cup of tea, hugging someone you love, eating nourishing foods, gentle yoga, meditation, gratitude practices, and going to bed early.

It’s useful to remember that negative feelings, or mental pain, serve as a message or warning just as physical pain in the body does. Paying attention to the underlying “danger” or fear your psyche is experiencing can help you understand and work with the root cause of the feelings. As suggested in item 3) above, if we dig deeply, we’re likely to find an essential human need that seems to be under threat.

I have found that when I take the time to fully explore my negative feelings, they are almost always in response to a threatened psychological need. This allows me to feel compassion for myself and take the blame off the specific details of what triggered my feelings. And I can be alert for future threats, preventing strong negative reactions.

Most lists of psychological needs include: psychological safety, belonging, autonomy, accomplishment, identity, and transcendence; some also include stimulation or play. When you find yourself feeling upset (or any strong negative emotion) in reaction to a person or event, try to follow the steps above as the feelings move through you. Later, when you’re calmer and clearer, see if you can look deeper into your reaction. Which of the core needs might have been under threat? It might help to discuss it with a friend or journal about it.

If you discover that your need for autonomy, for example, is not securely met, you might want to find some ways you can fulfill this need for yourself instead of (unconsciously) relying on outer circumstances or other people to do it for you. A therapist, coach, or other professional can help you do this!

Negative feelings will regularly happen to all of us. It’s our choice whether we let them make us miserable or move gracefully through them, using them as opportunities for growth and self-awareness.

Image by Malgorzata Tomczak from Pixabay