The Longing for Deep Connection

Do you notice that some conversations and interactions feel rich and satisfying, and others are uninspiring and forgettable? It doesn’t seem to matter how long you’ve known the other participant(s), or whether you’re speaking in person or virtually. I’ve been wondering about this for a very long time and was not able to fully understand it until I began to study social psychology and belonging.

Initially I thought it might be due to poor conversational skills, or lack of common interests to talk about. Upon closer inspection, however, those theories didn’t hold up. I’ve had fascinating discussions with people who are passionate about something I know nothing about, and I’ve experienced joyful communication even when the other person and I share only a few basic words in different languages.

What, then, determines our level of satisfaction and general good feelings about interactions with others? It turns out that in many cases it’s the depth of connection we experience. And this is very dependent on the degree of mutual sharing and active listening in the conversation. How vulnerable and authentic each party is willing to be, and how non-judgmental and accepting we are.

This doesn’t mean we have to tell someone our greatest secrets and private thoughts. A deep connection can occur simply from sharing feelings, dreams, disappointments, passions – the content of the heart rather than the head. Revealing to another person a bit of our authentic self without the social masks we usually wear fosters that sense of intimacy that all humans crave.

This self-exposure feels risky, because we’re hardwired to prioritize belonging and fitting in with others – our fear of rejection is very real and serves a biological survival purpose. Therefore, creating a psychologically safe atmosphere in which to share our true selves is essential. Trust is established when we discover that our honest expression is met with understanding and empathy. The mutual vulnerability that results is contagious.

Loneliness occurs when we lack sufficient deep connections of the type I’m describing here. This is associated with a variety of physiological responses in the body that mediate fear, stress, pain and immunity. As Dr. Vivek H. Murthy writes in Together, “Strong personal relationships not only add joy and meaning to our lives, but they have positive effects on our health, mood, and performance.” In other words, deep connections are critically important.

Recently the topic of friendship has come to my attention; many adults struggle with making and keeping new friends. When we understand how important close friendships are, this is a serious concern. Many reasons for this difficulty are cited, including not being willing to give a relationship the time and attention it requires. We may forget that intimacy with another requires patience, kindness, and forgiveness. We may be so busy with our hectic lives and many distractions that we don’t dedicate enough consistent time and energy to our closest circle, including our families and partners. And there may be a strong resistance to self-exposure caused by repeated past rejections and loss.

When we understand and honor our strong need for connection with others, and want to enjoy the many benefits of friendship, we can learn how to strengthen and deepen those relationships. We can make the effort to fully engage with those closest to us, and to step out of habitual patterns of judgment and expectations. Put away our phones and remove all distractions, focus completely on what our partner has to say, and listen carefully for the meaning beneath their words. And respond with respect and acceptance no matter what they tell us. We can let them know they are truly seen and heard, and chances are they will return our careful and compassionate attention.

Humans cannot feel healthy and whole without meaningful connections, and that includes connection to our inner selves and to the natural world around us as well as to other people. I believe the epidemic loss of these connections is a major contributing factor to most current global crises, from the destruction of the planet to oppression of minorities, from addiction and mental health challenges to hate and war.

I’m leading a 2-day experiential workshop on restoring these critical connections in Asheville, NC in February 2024. Please consider joining us if you want to learn how – https://storyparloravl.com/classesandworkshops/belonging-in-a-divided-world