On Being Seen and Heard

Hello, friends. I want to share some things I've been learning and contemplating lately as I develop a new workshop on Belonging - Restoring Connections in a Divided World. Beyond essential survival requirements, one of our most fundamental human needs is to feel that we are accepted as part of a group. As highly social creatures, we don't do well on our own. In fact, we evolved to be interdependent. Throughout the long history of human hunter-gatherer people, being expelled from a family group or tribe was essentially a death sentence. We are biologically "wired" to seek connection with others. And we need more than that, psychologically - we need to be seen and heard by others, acknowledged and accepted for who we are.

Unfortunately, very few of us today have truly experienced unconditional love by our parents/caregivers or anyone else; acceptance usually has many spoken and implied strings attached. And this causes us to to consciously and often unconsciously pretend to be someone other than our true selves in order to fit in. Our deep desire to be truly known and understood remains unfulfilled. This explains how we can feel lonely and alone despite being surrounded by other people, despite easy electronic accessibility to multiple others around the world, and even within our own families and friend groups. And unsurprisingly, this can lead to anxiety, depression, physical illness, social divisiveness, and even lashing out in violence (these have all been proven in scientific studies.)

The good news is that we can all learn the skills necessary to truly see and hear others, such as: active listening; giving neutral, non-judgmental attention; and conveying what psychologist Carl Rogers termed "unconditional positive regard." These techniques require a certain degree of self-awareness and need to be practiced consistently in order for us to be skilled at them. But if we make the effort, we'll be rewarded with the ability to give someone a great gift, and they in turn may be inspired to offer the same to us. This is one profound way we can start to restore true connection with family, friends, and other people in our personal and professional lives. Trust develops, vulnerability is risked, and we can truly be known on a deep level, free to express our authentic selves. This is a form of love.

***To learn more about Belonging and the skills listed above, watch the website for updates on my upcoming workshop!***

And, a simple technique to try today - Our loved ones are often the most difficult people in our lives to whom we can give non-judgmental attention, so in your next conversation or interaction I suggest that you imagine that you don't know this person, you have no knowledge of their past or any previous experiences by which to label them, and with great curiosity just listen deeply and attentively, accepting whatever they have to say as their own unique and wonderful experience of the human condition...

Some books I've recently found to be useful in understanding and exploring the topic of Belonging are:

How To Listen With Attention by Patrick King

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

Belonging by Geoffrey L. Cohen

And please contact me if you have questions, comments, or want to learn more