Empathy
I’ve been very focused on the topic of empathy lately, both personally and professionally. Empathy, defined simply as understanding and sharing another’s feelings, may occur naturally but it’s also a skill that can be developed.
Empathy is a necessary element of forming close, meaningful relationships.
It allows us to connect with others on a deep level and it fulfills a profound human need for feeling understood and accepted. And cultivating empathy for ourselves is equally important to our well-being yet is so often neglected or beaten down by our inner critical voice.
There are 2 main types of empathy described by psychologists:
Cognitive empathy refers to understanding someone’s difficulty and pain from that person’s perspective. This requires some degree of knowledge about their situation, background, influences, etc. AND imagining what it would be like to be them in that situation.
Emotional empathy means literally sharing another person’s emotions, feeling what they feel yourself. This usually involves relating to a situation in which you felt similar emotions.
In the context of relationships and communication, expressing genuine empathy to others has many benefits, including:
helps them know they’re not alone when having a difficult time;
shows them you accept them and don’t think they’re wrong/bad/crazy;
defuses emotions like anxiety, anger, and frustration;
prevents an argument from escalating into full-blown conflict.
This sounds pretty useful, doesn’t it? Let’s look at some simple techniques for expressing empathy in conversations and a few scenarios using them.
Nonverbal expressions include nodding, matching the speaker’s tone and speech, making eye contact, and gentle touch if appropriate. Reflective listening includes mirroring (repeating back phrases the speaker used) and paraphrasing (summarizing what you heard and imagine about what the speaker is thinking and feeling.) Reflective listening obviously requires that you give the speaker your full, undistracted attention. And it’s critical that you maintain a non-judgmental mindset and avoid blaming or criticizing when doing it.
Empathy Scenario 1: Your son comes home at spring break during his sophomore year at college and says he’s not going back because “I’m just not into studying stuff I’ll never need to know again and what’s the point, anyway?” You notice from his tone and body language he seems unhappy.
You’re surprised and immediately want to protest and talk him out of it, but instead you calmly sit down with him, turn your body toward him and let him know you’re fully present. You say, “You’re wondering what’s the point of studying, anyway.” (mirroring)
Or you say, “You’re not seeing the value of going to college and you’re feeling discouraged.” (paraphrasing)
Or “I understand that you don’t want to go back to college, and you seem pretty unhappy.” (paraphrasing)
Notice that even if you’ve guessed incorrectly about what he’s thinking and feeling, it gives him an opportunity to clarify, which deepens your understanding and perhaps his own.
Hopefully your sincerity and lack of criticism encourages him to respond with more details about his decision or his unhappiness (or something else.) You can continue to respond with reflective listening and asking meaningful questions, such as, “Are you feeling unhappy about your decision, or is something else bothering you?”
There’s no guarantee that he’ll be willing to cooperate and open up to share his deeper thoughts and feelings with you, but it’s a lot more likely to happen when you use an empathetic approach rather than an emotionally reactive or argumentative one.
Empathy Scenario 2: Your spouse/partner was promoted at work last year and is now required to work longer hours and to travel every other weekend. On weekends when they’re home, you want to go out for dinner or meet with friends but they almost always say they’re just too tired. When you tell them about a big party next week that you’re excited to attend, they say “That’s not something I feel like doing. Why don’t you go without me?” Your initial response is to feel rejected and disappointed, but you decide to focus on empathy.
You say, “You don’t feel like going to the party and you don’t mind if I go without you.” (mirroring)
They say, “That’s right. I just can’t imagine myself having fun there.”
You say, “You used to enjoy parties. Please help me understand what’s changed. I feel sad and worried when you don’t want to go out together anymore.” (vulnerable sharing, requesting clarification without blaming)
They say, “I’m exhausted all the time after starting the new position at work. Why can’t you seem to understand that?” (sounding a bit annoyed)
You say, “I can appreciate that the job is taking a toll on your energy. I wonder if you’re feeling concerned about how long you can keep up the heavy schedule.” (empathy for partner’s thoughts and feelings, keeping the focus on them for now, not giving advice)
They say, “Actually, I’m very concerned. At the doctor’s office last week my blood pressure was really high. But the pay increase is substantial. If I can’t handle the job, I’m afraid I’ll be fired.”
You say, “It sounds like you’re feeling trapped.”
This could then become a conversation about both partners’ thoughts and feelings about the situation and eventually to finding solutions together. Can you see how empathy is likely to prevent a superficial, self-centered argument that leads to misunderstanding, defensiveness, and resentment?
What if you’re having trouble accessing feelings of empathy in the midst of a conversation?
Usually this occurs when we are “emotionally hijacked” in an automatic reaction to the situation or the words being said. Our brains and bodies literally go into fight-or-flight mode, which is directed toward self-protection and defense and results in feelings of fear, anger, and anxiety, preventing empathy for “the enemy.”
Thankfully, it’s possible to train ourselves to recognize these stress-feelings in our own bodies and to pause and take a few breaths, creating a space in which we can remember our values (compassion, kindness, fairness, love) and greater goals for the relationship (connection, understanding, strength, etc.) before we respond.
For some people, it’s very effective to visualize the other person as a child and to recognize that their pure, beautiful child-like essence is still within them. Or we may realize that we need empathy ourselves and can appreciate our efforts and our challenges.
There may be scenarios in which you stay stuck in emotional reactivity and can’t feel or express any empathy; in that case, it may be best to say “This is important to me and I want to discuss it but I need a little time to process it first.”
Learning empathy skills is fairly easy for most people, but the key to mastery is lots of practice! Start with conversations in which you are not emotionally activated and gradually move to using your skills in disagreements and difficult situations.
In my new digital course, Improve Relationships With Respectful Disagreement, you’ll find more tools, practice exercises and example scenarios. Coming Soon! To be notified, please subscribe to my monthly newsletter on the website at https://www.yourtruestorycoaching.com
May you give and receive empathy often, Amy
Image by shameersrk from Pixabay
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