Midlife Crisis or Opportunity? Part 2

Last month I wrote about the specific challenges of midlife and explained that the anxiety, confusion, depression and other uncomfortable feelings are a call for powerful growth. https://www.yourtruestorycoaching.com/post/midlife-crisis-or-midlife-opportunity.

The midlife crisis…[is] the deep longing of our soul (or true self) to become fully expressed in our lives.

In childhood we learned to cover up and deny or repress many parts of our essential nature as a strategy to survive the inevitable traumas and losses we experience, even if we grew up in a relatively “normal” family situation. We begin to believe this diminished version of ourselves is the only one. And we construct a story of who we are and how the world works in order to make sense of our lives and obtain a feeling of control and safety.

In addition, family and cultural beliefs and values surround and pressure us. Since we no longer have a strong sense of our true selves, we adopt many of these and identify with them, allowing them to define us. Any threat to those beliefs and self-identity triggers fear and a strong defensive reaction – if our very selves are in doubt, it feels like potential annihilation.

Midlife is the time when most of us experience a shattering of our beliefs about self and the world. We can no longer pretend things are under our control. Life isn’t fair. Many things we thought were true prove to be a fantasy. How we feel about our partner, our work, and our pastimes may change significantly. We may be torn between opposing desires and shocked by frightening or destructive thoughts and urges.

The shadow, our repressed unconscious, including parts of ourselves we absolutely deny because they are too dangerous or unacceptable, is trying to make itself known.

And we can only become whole when we acknowledge and accept ALL of our parts. We fear that if we do accept them, we might do something wild and cause great harm to ourselves or others, but in actuality we are more likely to do that if we continue to deny the shadow.

It requires courage and commitment to undertake the exploration of our unconscious, and a strong faith that the results will be worth it. The journey will take many years and will sometimes be painful, disturbing, uncomfortable and frightening. At times we may need the help of a therapist or other professional. A supportive community of others making this transition shows us we’re not alone and that it can be done.

In addition to this psychological work, we must grow in spiritual maturity. To me this includes learning to accept that we are never in control of what happens; living in healthy and life-affirming relationships with others (both human and non-human;) opening to transcendent experiences and accepting the unknowable mysteries of the universe; and meeting our own soul and gradually living according to its blueprint.

We can benefit from expert guidance in this spiritual growth as well, with the caveat that the guide or teacher is not leading from from their own ego-driven needs and ungrounded beliefs. Depth psychologists, soul-work guides, some shamanic practitioners, and teachers of Eastern or mystery religions may be best suited for this.

From my perspective, most of us are missing some essential tools that would ease the midlife passage. Thankfully, these can be learned and strengthened. They include techniques for:

• Self-awareness and mental/emotional self-command

• Cultivating empathy, curiosity, and beginner’s mind

• Connecting more deeply with the natural world and other humans

• Developing personal responsibility and critical thinking

• Making meaning such as personal narrative, dreamwork and group engagement

• Experiencing wonder, awe, and transcendence

  
  

Learning and practicing these skills have become a priority for me for nearly a decade and now I also include many of them in my workshops, coaching, and teaching.

If answering the call for psychological and spiritual growth is so difficult, why would we voluntarily choose to do it? Because the rewards are great, and the price for remaining stuck is very high! My personal story may illustrate this:

When I got divorced at age 45 I had a fresh start at creating my life. I could have used it as an opportunity to learn about myself, and for a short time I half-heartedly tried. But as soon as I recovered my equilibrium I went back to my old defensive habits and discovered very little about my shadow.

Shortly before my 50th birthday a friend invited me to a workshop to learn about consciousness and self-mastery. He said it would help me be happier. At the time I had a successful, growing business, a lovely home, good friends, and was voluntarily ending a romantic relationship. I told him, “No thanks, I’m happy and doing fine.” He responded, “Don’t you want to be happier?” I realized that what I was calling “happiness” was really just a feeling that I had accomplished what our culture dictates are milestones of success. Deep inside I often felt stressed, uncertain, unfulfilled in many ways, and disappointed.

I went to the workshop and immediately saw that I barely knew myself at all and had little command over my emotions or reactions. I began 6 years of intensive work to expose my shadow and accept it, take full responsibility for my life, shift trauma in the body, and understand archetypes and parts-of-self. I experienced many positive changes, although growth was slow for me (I see now that I had some HUGE unconscious unhealthy beliefs and was wearing a thickly layered mask to hide them!) My life slowly became more purposeful and fulfilling and my relationships became far more rewarding. I could relax a bit of my chronic stress and be more free.

Eventually, I wanted more; I could see the possibilities and I needed new teachers. I studied dreamwork, therapeutic shamanism, and mindfulness. I could no longer fully enjoy practicing aesthetic medicine because I felt out of integrity by participating in unhealthy cultural stories about youth and beauty. I carefully prepared, at significant expense, to sell my practice and it ended up falling through at the last moment – one of the biggest challenges of my lifetime. Despite all my training, I did not handle it well at first.

I had reached a point where I had to let go. I had to accept that I could not control outcomes or stay safe and comfortable. My soul, which had been calling to me all along, gave me signs and messages to follow and I listened. Finally, I fully trusted myself and what was happening. I burned my bridges, closing the business and moving to a new location where I barely knew anyone.

Now I help other women through the process of having their own awakening in midlife. I see my offerings as a small stepping-stone on their journey. I believe that I’m starting to live as my soul wants me to and I feel more honest and freer than ever before. I feel certain I’ll never stop learning and growing and will try to be open to wherever my path leads.

I ask you to consider if any aspects of your life are currently turbulent, unmanageable, confusing, or locked into unhealthy patterns. Could it be time to address the unconscious? Do you feel unfulfilled, anxious or depressed without obvious cause? If so, is it possible your own soul is trying to get your attention, demanding that you make some big changes, either internal or external ones?

I’d love to hear your stories and questions on this topic. We can all benefit from knowing about others’ experiences – I believe everyone carries deep wisdom within themselves. Please share it!

Photo by Jill Wellington from Pixabay