Healthy Friendships Part 2 - Tips
To follow up on my last blog post about healthy friendships (3/15/24) I’d like to share some thoughts and suggestions for practical ways to deepen your relationships. If you want to find greater fulfillment and joy in friendships, I recommend you take deliberate action to get closer! (Coasting along and hoping things will improve on their own is not a good strategy.)
Let’s review my list of essential qualities for intimate friendships and look at real-life examples of how to deepen friendships for each:
Commitment and Mutual Desire –
We all seem to lead very busy lives. Both parties need to make the friendship a priority and treat it as such. I recommend that you choose a small number of people with whom to dedicate the majority of your friendship time and attention, perhaps just 2 or 3 at first. Share your desire to strengthen the friendship with them, and request that they commit to getting together regularly. It may be ideal to schedule your time with each other quite far in advance, or to have a standing appointment; although this may seem rigid or business-like, it’s a reality for many of us that things don’t happen unless we plan it. Of course, spontaneously seeing each other is also great.
Example 1. Almost 7 years ago I connected with two people at writing a workshop and afterward we agreed to meet online monthly to critique and discuss our writing. Eventually one person drifted away but G. and I continue to meet on Zoom (we live on opposite sides of the US) and the writing critique has evolved into a friendship. We both value our relationship enough to make the effort to share our hopes, challenges, and celebrations regularly in addition to our writing. G. has become a trusted friend due to this commitment over time although we haven’t seen each other in person since 2017. We would potentially drift apart even now unless we schedule our next meeting prior to ending each call.
Example 2. I’ve been friends with S. for almost 30 years. During that time we’ve both been married and divorced, built successful businesses from scratch, navigated family challenges, and generally kept up with each other’s lives. Although we both feel strongly committed to this friendship, and consider each other to be “best friends,” we haven’t always been good about maintaining regular time together, partly due to geographical distance and numerous obligations. There have been years when we seldom saw each other or even spoke much on the phone, and I realize that during those times our closeness was more of an idea than an actual felt sense. Thankfully our relationship never fell apart and in the last few years we are being more deliberate about connecting. As I write this, I see that we could set up a standing appointment for a regular phone call – and because her life is more hectic than mine right now, I will gladly take on more of the responsibility for making this happen.
Friendship Strategy: Tell a few friends that your relationship with them is important to you and that you’d like to commit to meeting or connecting on a regular basis, whether individually or as a group. If they’re interested, put it on your schedules and make it a priority.
Honesty and Vulnerability –
Just as with a romantic partner, trust is an essential ingredient to a close friendship. We have to earn each other’s trust over time in a healthy relationship by keeping our agreements, being truthful even when it’s painful, and not sharing our friend’s personal information with others. As trust grows we are able to to reveal more of our inner selves to each other – our thoughts, feelings, values, and needs. This kind of vulnerability can feel risky and requires that you step a bit out of your comfort zone. The payoff is having someone in your life who knows you beyond your everyday outer persona. You feel truly seen and heard, which is an essential human need.
Example 1. L. is a fairly new friend, a colleague I met in a coach training almost 2 years ago. As with G., ours is a friendship that began with a shared interest and blossomed over time into something broader. In this case, intimacy has come quite easily for us because of our coaching skills: empathy, deep listening, non-judgment, and encouraging vulnerability. But even so, it’s taken time to earn the trust necessary to comfortably share very difficult feelings – the process can’t be rushed. I believe our friendship will continue to deepen and I’m grateful that she’s become an advisor and teacher as well as a friend.
Example 2. I believe that one reason my friendship with S. remains strong is the rock-solid trust we’ve developed. Our loyalty has been tested and confirmed. We both know that we could call each other for assistance, support, or advice at 3 a.m. and we would do whatever was necessary to respond, even if that meant traveling 800 miles to be there in person. We’ve also learned that sharing our most private feelings will always be met with compassion. However, I see that I could foster greater intimacy with her by asking more questions and leading superficial conversations into more revealing ones sometimes.
Friendship Strategy: Use open-ended questions intended to promote personal sharing with one friend or a small group after agreeing to confidentiality and empathy. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself – it’s contagious! For inspiration, you can purchase card decks and games with questions made for this purpose – see the Resources section below.
Respect and Acceptance –
Respect for our close friends naturally evolves when we value them, but sometimes we tend to treat those closest to us, including family members, with casual disregard, believing we don’t have to be so “formal” with them. You may develop unreasonable expectations of them or make assumptions about what they think and feel. Because you care about them, you might also feel compelled to “fix” them or give unwanted advice, or perhaps even worse, try to change them or their views. However, intimacy will only grow when our partner feels accepted just as they are without judgment or criticism. When you’re able to agree to disagree and honor your differences, relationships flourish.
Example 1. The very talented manager of my surgery practice for over 13 years and I had an unusual and ever-changing relationship as we inevitably got to know each other through the course of working closely together for a long period of time. C. and I also saw each other at our very worst! Although we had primarily an employment relationship it became a trusting friendship as well. And she was gracious enough to forgive me after I repeatedly tried to convince her to attend a personal-growth workshop I was enthusiastic about even when she told me she wasn’t interested. I definitely pushed our friendship too far and could have ruined both it and our fulfilling work relationship. Lesson learned – finally.
Example 2. A couple years ago I went through a series of setbacks and disappointments as I entered the scary process of changing my career and my residence. It felt like an emotional roller-coaster, and during a visit with S. I told her about all of it. She listened with compassion and as soon as I finished my lengthy laments began to give me her opinion on what I should do about my problems. I had to interrupt her and say, “I just need you to listen right now!” I was not in a frame of mind to work on strategies; I simply wanted her empathy and understanding. As a good friend she got the message and gladly gave it to me. (Note: I am not innocent of trying to “fix” people!)
Friendship Strategy: When differences of opinion arise in your friendship, or your friend does or says something you don’t like, get curious instead of defensive or judgmental – ask questions to better understand them. And when your friend is hurting, ask what they need from you – don’t assume.
Positivity and Generosity –
We love being around our friends when they contribute to the quality of our lives through encouragement, appreciation, and sharing our success and happiness. And of course we want to have fun with them! All relationships need a much higher percentage of positive, uplifting feelings and experiences compared to negative ones in order to thrive – some experts say 3-5 times greater. You can ensure this happens by limiting how often you talk about your problems, complain, or bring a negative attitude. When you do occasionally need to share difficult feelings your friend will gladly support you because your relationship has been strengthened by regular positivity. In addition, being generous with your time and attention, showing or telling your friend you care, helps to maintain your bond.
Example 1. Many years ago I had a friend with whom I shared some common interests. I enjoyed getting to know her, but gradually became dissatisfied with our time together because she talked incessantly about her family problems, worries about the future, and general complaining. It wasn’t fun to be around her anymore. I felt taken advantage of and thought she was using me as a surrogate therapist! I found excuses to stop seeing her, which felt awkward. I realize now that it would have been much more appropriate to tell her how I felt and request that we have different conversations; this would have given her a chance to change the pattern if she chose to and could have salvaged the friendship.
Example 2. Sometimes generosity comes in the form of allowing someone close to you to help you in time of need. When it became clear to me that my marriage wasn’t working and should probably end, I felt unable to tell even my best friend - I had been hiding the fact that I was unhappy for years and felt like a complete failure, too embarrassed to share this critical part of my life with anyone. I resorted to seeing a relationship counselor who encouraged me to get divorced. When I finally told S. about it, she was rightfully a bit hurt that I didn’t come to her for support. I now know that I deprived my friend of the opportunity to help me, something that would have made her feel fulfilled and appreciated.
Friendship Strategy: Be aware of the ratio of positive to negative conversations and experiences you’re bringing to the friendship, and make sure the positive dominates. Plan fun or exciting activities you can do together. Generously show your appreciation in words or actions and ask for help when you really need it.
Resources –
Once again, for an exploration of friendship in all its various forms, I recommend the books and online writing of Shasta Nelson, founder of Girl Friend Circles. Find her at www.shastanelson.com and on most social media platforms.
For cards and games designed to foster intimacy and deeper connection, take a look at decks on www.TableTopics.com and the Where Do We Begin Game by Esther Perel.
And I can’t help but mention that all of our relationships become stronger and more meaningful when the one we have with ourselves is healthy and thriving. I offer coaching and workshops that help people connect more deeply with themselves, others and the natural world. My trainings on respectful communication skills and self-mastery with Positive Intelligence® are especially relevant for friendships. Please visit my website for more information www.yourtruestorycoaching.com
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