Managing The Desire To Control

As I am currently navigating several major life changes (listing my house for sale, closing my surgical practice of 25+ years, and planning a move to a new state), I continue to be challenged by a lack of control - of the process, the timing, the outcome, and so on. I notice myself responding at times with joy and excitement, and at others with fear and resistance. How shall I best handle the latter feelings?

In the Positive Intelligence model, one of my top Saboteurs is the Controller. This voice in me says I need to control everything in every detail in order to be safe and get what I want. However, this is a lie. There is very little in life that we can actually control, and we can't truly be safe in all ways, either. This lie, or unhealthy belief, causes extreme stress, anxiety, unnecessary effort, and is very hard on those around me, And when I pay attention, I notice that trying to control or know everything feels very tight, heavy, and constricted in my body - crushing me physically, emotionally and creatively. It leads to my mind racing, trying to think of all the possibilities I need to "control" for - in this, the Controller is joined by its eager assistant Saboteurs, the Stickler and the Hyper-Vigilant. And when facing difficulties from this mindset, I'm not likely to come up with creative solutions or act in a healthy way that's beneficial for all involved.

And so, a time in my life that could be filled with happy anticipation sometimes feels like a scary burden. Thankfully, I know some tools and techniques to help me shift from fear and stress to wisdom and flow (the Sage perspective.) My Positive Intelligence training has taught me to notice the unwanted "negative" feelings quickly, blamelessly acknowledge them, do some mind-clearing activities such as getting present with the physical senses or visualizations, and convert the perceived challenging situation into a gift or opportunity. (If you'd like to learn more about how to do this, check out my Mental Fitness page on the website.)

Whether trying to control situations, events, or other people, when the Controller Saboteur is running the show it results in anxiety, impatience and resentment. Even if we do get the desired outcome, it comes at a great cost; there is tremendous value in learning to recognize when this (or any) Saboteur is influencing us. With committed practice, we can learn to prevent being fully hijacked by the Saboteurs and to shift to Sage response more quickly.

Full disclosure: I am not sailing through this stressful process with compete ease and flow! I've been hijacked more than once, at times lasting for a day or two. I've found myself ranting and catastrophizing to a friend, then feeling embarrassed and ashamed afterward. I've had sleepless nights and restless thoughts. The tougher the challenge, the harder we must exercise our Mental Fitness muscles; I have yet to meet anyone who can respond to every extreme difficulty in pure Sage mode.

Thankfully, one of the most powerful results I've begun to experience from my daily Positive Intelligence practice is the ability to counter the biggest, meanest Saboteur of them all - the Judge. When the Judge criticizes me, tries to make me feel shame, guilt, worthlessness, etc. I'm able to call out its lies and quiet its cruel voice. I'm human, imperfect, and that's okay. I've learned to love myself as I am, flaws and all, and to stop beating myself up for things I've done or said. I've also learned that when this Saboteur harshly judges another person or a circumstance as bad or wrong, this is a lie as well. This realization frees me from so much unhappiness and conflict in every area of my life! And helping my clients develop this strength in themselves is one of the most rewarding aspects of my coaching.

Which Saboteurs are negatively impacting you in your life right now, and how?